Well, well, well… Australian’s have been a busy bunch haven’t you all. We have polled together on a per capita basis the towns in Australia that their residents just love to cheat on their partners. The poll has been created by our friends at Ashley Madison where their customers sign up to their platform to cheat. The platform is cheating made easy for cheaters 🙂
Let’s get into the list for all you curious cats out there.
- Coffs Harbour, NSW
- Albury, NSW – Four arrested after brawl ends in woman throwing shoes at police, gronk leads police on 48-hour, 360km manhunt before ramming two cop cars, arrest after man shot in the face, drunk driver crashes into tree, keeps drinking until cops arrive, 13-year-old girl gets probation for stealing man’s weed stash while high on E and heroin as her friend tried to stab him with scissors, junkie terrorises retirement home residents and steals birthday cake, gronk thumps ex-partner after she wins race for last can of beer, gronk armed with syringe holds up Woolworths.
- Mackay, QLD – Burglar caught on CCTV losing his pants while robbing retail store, two blokes rescued and fined after hanging out on hotel roof with booze and mannequin.
- Rockhampton, QLD – The town where a comedian was punched in the face during a live show, tavern staff threatened with needle during attempted robbery. Reluctantly settled by a bunch of stranded miners, Rockhampton soon became known as ‘The City of the Three S’s’ (sin, sweat and sorrow). The slogan survives to this day, except now it stands for slobs, steers and semen. The city is also known as the ‘Beef Capital of Australia’, a reference to its plethora of fast-food outlets and morbidly obese population. Rocking ‘Rocky tuxedos’ (extra-wide jeans and XXXL flannos), Rockhampton’s blubbery bogans are celebrated by a giant sculpture of a dugong and seven Big Bull statues. Sadly, the bulls have all had steel rods rammed through their nut sacks in an effort to end the local tradition of getting blind drunk on shit beer at a leagues club and nicking a Big Bull’s balls.
Rockhampton capitalises on its Beef Capital moniker by selling overpriced supermarket steaks to gullible tourists who couldn’t tell a Scotch fillet from a Scotch egg. Shoved 40 kilometres up the Fitzroy River, Rockhampton is also known for its unbearably humid climate, giving it its third nickname, ‘Australia’s Sweaty Armpit’. In summer, the oppressive humidity combines with the dank stench of the river to create a truly revolting miasma. The city gets so hot that taking a dip in a crocodile-infested swimming hole seems like a good idea.
Even the city’s streetlights agree that the city is a horror show, clearly spelling out ‘HELL’ when viewed from atop Mount Archer. A little-known fact is that town planners were actually trying to write ‘HELP’, in a desperate plea to passing aircraft to rescue them from living in Rockhampton. - Canberra, ACT – Woman run over by hoon after confronting them for doing burnouts, weirdo leaves creepy note in letter boxes seeking someone to impregnate, grub films himself wanking on colleague’s desk. Existing solely as a last resort capital compromise between Sydney and Melbourne, Canberra somehow manages to be Australia’s smut capital and most boring city at the same time. It’s known for being the country’s only ‘planned’ city, with the unfortunate consequence that its neatly ordered streets and sprawling suburbs that stretch halfway to Sydney have rendered the nation’s capital an antiseptic bore with all the charm of a failed Soviet state.
The planned city received a whole slew of idiotic proposed names that somehow made ‘Canberra’ seem like a good option, including Home, Austral, Andy Man, Unison and Frazer Roo. One joker even proposed the horrific portmanteau Sydmeladperho, a name so massively shithouse it might have actually been able to accurately reflect Canberra’s shitness. Instead, the powers-that-were plumped for Canberra, a name derived from the Aboriginal ‘Nganbara’ meaning ‘boobs’, an appropriate nod to its sleazy reputation. Populated entirely by overpaid and underworked bureaucrats, parasitic scandal-embroiled politicians, ex-prime ministers, soon-to-be ex-prime ministers, sweaty porn barons, Chinese spies and kangaroos, Canberra is a town that celebrates flagrant corruption, rampant nepotism and beige blandness.
The boring burg is renowned for revelling in the sort of culture that people only pretend to like so they can root uni students. The most prominent attractions are snooze-inducing dusty museums and stuffy art galleries, great fun for pseudo-intellectual dryballs (of which Canberra has an abundance) and punishment for everyone else. Canberra’s lack of nightlife means they are only able to attract rugby league players who aren’t interested in hanging out with outlaw bikie gangs or getting into public brawls, which is probably why they haven’t won a comp since 1994.
There are only three reasons to visit Canberra: for a mandatory school trip, to roll the prime minister, or on a nefarious mish to Fyshwick. Originally built as a concentration camp for German prisoners in 1918, the eerily uninhabited suburb of Fyshwick is a great place to buy a used car to do a drive-by, a shipment of no-longer-legal fireworks or a bale of hardcore pornography. Fyshwick was Australia’s undisputed porn mecca in the days before the internet or personal defoliation, which is why Canberra is known as the ‘Bush Capital’.
The sordid suburb is also home to a shopping centre called COC, appropriately located on Iron Knob Street. Fyshwick’s influence is evident throughout the city: Belconnen proudly hosts an infamous penis-shaped owl sculpture, while Canberra celebrated its centenary in 2013 by commissioning a giant hot air balloon covered in tits. - Newcastle, NSW
- Cairns, QLD – Victorian hospitalised after allegedly scaling wall to escape quarantine; menace charged after alleged year-long vandalism spree including throwing rocks at cars, supergluing locks, spray painting a horse and painting a lace monitor lizard, gronk allegedly caught driving stolen scissor lifts through the streets two nights in a row, grubby woman charged after allegedly making pet dog lick peanut butter from her genitals, mad gronk stabs cop.
- Geelong, VIC – Gronks leave trail of destruction in stolen road surfacing machine, teen gets trapped in sand after digging big hole.
- Gold Coast, QLD – Woman charged with drink-driving and meth possession after allegedly being found passed out at green light with toddler in car, gronk assaults backpacker, falls out of tree and jerks off in front of family picnic while tripping on LSD, ex-cop on coke charges begins porn career, serial pest caught wanking on main beach and public buses, 7 kids arrested and one bitten on the dick by police dog after allegedly fleeing cops in stolen cars, halfwit hairdresser bans covid-vaccinated customers, drongo claims his drone was shot down by aliens, burly bag snatcher beaten up by grumpy grandma, arsonist sets himself on fire while torching brothel.
- Bunbury, WA – Woman wrecks her car’s paint by coating it in concentrated cleaning chemicals stolen from car wash.
- Ballarat, VIC – Teen pleads guilty to stealing power drill, crystal, cars, wheels and goat, pregnant mother of 6 bites woman’s ear off.
- Toowoomba, QLD – Man on meth rams cop cars and hides in water tank after running from cops who aren’t even after him.
- Darwin, NT – Vandals trash school, machete-wielding teens rob sex shop, naked gronk with pickaxe wanders around busy shopping centre, self-proclaimed ‘world record wanker’ caught jacking off at nude beach again. Darwin is the only city in the world with more crocodiles than human beings. It’s also the only major Australian city to be levelled by the Japanese during World War II and completely destroyed by cyclones on three separate occasions, from which it has never fully recovered. The federal government maintains Darwin as a live-action replica of what could be expected to happen to an Australian city in a nuclear apocalypse.
Popular hobbies in the Northern Territory’s ramshackle capital include alcoholism, arguing over who would win a fight between a salty and a great white, and pointing out the inaccuracies in Wolf Creek. The city’s premier event is the annual Beer Can Regatta, in which contestants race boats made entirely out of empty booze tins whilst emptying several more, and NT Cracker Day, when resident youth take time out from holding up servos with kitchen knives to engage in a spot of casual arson and drive-by firework shooting.
The local agenda-setter is the NT News, a bastion of quality journalism responsible for such headlines as ‘Horny ghost haunts house’, ‘Sexy granny drought’ and ‘Why I stuck a cracker up my clacker’. Darwin markets itself as the ‘Gateway to the Outback’, despite the fact that the same slogan is claimed by every desert shithole in Australia. Darwin is also the ‘Gateway to Asia’, a much stronger selling point as the idea of fleeing to another continent is particularly appealing when you’re in Darwin. In fact, Darwin’s most popular slogan is ‘Gateway to Anywhere That Isn’t Fucking Darwin’. - Townsville, QLD – Man stabbed by group of thugs outside shopping centre, man bitten in nightclub while trying to break up fight, man set on fire by mad gronk, man stabbed in his home; woman tasered after threatening cops with hammer, 16-year-old boy charged after allegedly rummaging through cop car, Pakistani national absconds from docked livestock ship, blokes caught rooting in bushes at beach, Brothel goes 24-hour for Supercars weekend; gronk busted for drink-driving after flagging down cops to help him change flat tyre, woman tasered after allegedly taking meth, stealing Domino’s delivery car, setting someone’s lawn on fire and trying to burn down her own house with a molotov cocktail, bloke fills skills tester machine with loo rolls; patron threatened with police tasers after allegedly destroying pub toilet, woman shamed online after rooting married dad in Bunnings dunny, Feral kids smash up 50+ cars in car yard, pest flees after wanking in front of families in park, bloke bashes pub patron who hit on his mum, cops break up 25-strong brawl in Macca’s drive-thru, youths seen pushing trolleys off shopping centre car park, feral kids cause $10k damage by breaking into businesses and stealing a biscuit, cops break up brawl involving flag pole and sticks, video shows girl in high school uniform ripping bong at car crash memorial, gronk tries to steal car while woman sitting in driver’s seat, Queensland pays $8m to get pumped in front of 30,000 onlookers, household has one car torched and another dumped in creek by thieves on the same night, samurai swords and cars stolen from house, bloke busted riding bike from pub with samurai sword, 100 knives stolen from army disposals store, man arrested after wandering down busy road in undies while waving a knife, woman allegedly caught trying to take cannabis into courthouse, little kid reportedly seen jacking off in public park; men catch fire after pouring meths on campfire, mad gronk tries to bite cop’s balls off.
- Adelaide, SA – Driver with six-year-expired license and on bail arrested after running red light in front of cops in crash-damaged homemade convertible, shirtless shopper armed with machete chases alleged robber through IGA, dog nearly dies after eating human poo containing meth and weed, kitesurfer charged with molesting whales, grub allegedly steals $1k of toys from kids’ store after urinating on stock, two taxis stolen in same suburb within an hour in unrelated incidents, pest defends himself in court after wanking in CBD thoroughfare, psycho bites off bit of man’s ear in random attack, 11-year-old arrested after allegedly crashing stolen car during police pursuit, bogan arrested after live-streaming gender reveal burnout, driver with six-year-expired license and on bail arrested after running red light in front of cops in crash-damaged homemade convertible.
- Hobart, TAS – Dog gets sick after eating human vomit containing cannabis, hoon caught doing 222km/h in 80 zone, fuckwit fires gun at macca’s drive-thru. Founded as a human shit pit for Britain’s surplus riffraff, Hobart soon grew into a town after becoming a major centre for the murder of endangered sea creatures. Today, Tasmania’s capital is populated by 200,000 seal clubbers, ‘chiggers’ (bogans, but more inbred) and pseudo-hipsters who think they’re cosmopolitan because they live in their island’s biggest city even though they have never left Tasmania. The main industries in Hobart are freeloading off the mainland, poisoning the water with zinc, clear-felling primeval rainforests, whinging about mainlanders, and crying about not having an AFL team.
Hobart’s proudest feature is its historic buildings, built using convict slave labour. The main tourist attraction is the Museum of Old and New Art, which is lucky because most Tasmanians can’t read. Another feature is the ruins of the Hobart Zoo, complete with suicidal-looking cartoon animals adorning its dilapidated gate. For unknown reasons, fleets of norovirus-afflicted cruise ships choose to dock in Hobart for the saddest stop of their journey. Hobart is a ‘fusion city’, in that it marries big city problems with small town facilities.
Despite being completely shit, it’s the only place in Tasmania with any jobs and has thus been inundated by hordes of Tasmaniacs, causing a rental crisis that has forced despos to live in tents at the showgrounds. ‘Slowbart’ also has a horrendous traffic problem, with no public transport beyond buses and somehow more cars than people. The turd-filled Derwent River is massively polluted by heavy metals from the zinc works, meaning it’s unsafe to eat certain fish. Zinc leaching has also contaminated the groundwater, making homegrown vegetables poisonous in some suburbs, disproving the claim by millions of mums that broccoli can’t hurt you. Clearly, the only good thing to do in the toxic joint is leave. - Sunshine Coast, QLD
- Wollongong, NSW
- Brisbane, QLD – Where a mad kid attacks an old man with an axe outside a supermarket, gronk charged with stealing car with two kids inside, women’s rugby game called off after linesman attacks players, pilot flies 110km past destination after falling asleep, dad hospitalized after brawl at U-13 footy match, woman snaps gronk shitting in neighbors yard.
- Perth, WA – 17-year-old girl charged after cops allegedly find $16m worth of heroin in her bedroom closet, recycling plant workers charged after allegedly pocketing $40k cash found in waste, fuckwit with swastika painted on forehead attacks Aboriginal women with makeshift flamethrower, macca’s goes up in flames, gronk gets girlfriend’s car impounded after doing 146km/h through 80 zone tunnel, tradie accused of abusing member of the public while taking a shit on the side of the road, elderly man deliberately set on fire, aggro SUV driver filmed pushing over e-scooter rider and running over his scooter, man arrested after allegedly pulling out weapon in brothel.
Everyone knows Perthlings are a proud people, but no one knows of what—and no one cares. Perth is famously one of the most isolated capital cities in the world, complete with the exorbitant flight costs and lack of international entertainment that implies. Western Australia’s capital may as well be located on the moon as far as the rest of Australia is concerned. This has resulted in a chronic sense of FOMO and a chip on Perth’s collective shoulder, turning the local population into a bunch of whiny, self-entitled snobs. Like a petulant teenager who threatens to run away every time their mum bans them from Fortnite, Perth threatens to secede about once a decade. Built by convict slaves on a wind-blasted and sun-beaten patch of sand, Perth is famous for its brutal summers, the only benefit being the annual purging of the elderly who fail to make it through another blistering January.
The city’s sole purpose is as an administrative centre for Western Australia’s hole-digging industries. As well as subjecting Perth to the sort of rampant inflation common in shonky South American dictatorships, the mining boom has filled the city with cashed-up FIFOs and associated sex workers, who hang out at Scarborough bars and act all upper class with the money that they earned by shoveling dirt or pissing on people.
Other common Pertherts include planeloads of whinging Poms and white South African apartheid apologists, and hordes of dole-bludging, drug-addicted bogans who tend to live in suburbs like Armadale. When they’re not getting in fights at the traino, Perth residents enjoy weekend trips to Bali where they can lose 65 per cent of their skin in a scooter accident, or excursions to Rottnest Island where the only form of entertainment is punting endangered marsupials into the sea. Closer to home are a number of beaches that are popular locations for being eaten by a shark, Perth residents being some of the tastiest people on the planet.
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Shout out to our friends @shittownsofaustralia on Facebook for the town descriptions.